Nostalgia

It's almost autumn and this particular season always stir up emotions within me that makes me want to cry, smile, and thank God for all that I have been blessed with. These memories remind me of the moments I hope to never forget for the rest of my life & the ones I wish to never remember. Both my babies were autumn-born babies. Adonai, my boy, was born on October 15th, 2008, and my little girl, Azalea, was born last year on November 4th.

The anticipation of giving birth, seeing my child's face for the first time and feeling so incredibly blessed are all the emotions that I try my best to recall. However, the reality I faced when I saw how much my body had changed, to feeling intense pain following a c-section, to experiencing the struggles of breastfeeding & sleep-deprivation are memories that rear it's not-so-pretty head as well. It's definitely a bittersweet season for me.

Seasonal changes often causes me to re-experience (due to the atmospheric changes) the life situations that occurred during that specific time the year and years before with the memories of those events.

Every fall season, I find myself so excited at the thought of celebrating my child's birthday... first it was only Addi's, but this year, I'll be celebrating both Addi's and Zali's. The anxiousness for their birth-date is often accompanied by all the memories I experienced during the weeks leading up to & immediately following their actual birth. Its excitement, vulnerability, and fear all rolled into one... and these feeling come alive with every cool autumn breeze that blows & the way the sun rises & sets during the fall season.

Am I the only woman who goes through this? Sometimes I wish my emotions weren't linked so closely to the type of weather changes I'm exposed to because I feel like I experience mood changes just because the weather bring me back to either a happy memory or a sad one.

Even though I experience these shifts in moods, I know that I have to be rational and accept that the bad experiences have made me stronger as a woman & mother and that I am no longer experiencing them! ... and this realization causes me to thank God for the blessings of life, health, laughter, joy, and the gift of family that make my life worthwhile!

This year, I plan on embracing this Autumn even more than I ever did before. My husband and I will be taking our kids pumpkin picking & I will be baking pies while sewing clothes and making girly hair accessories. I hope to put together a delicious, mouth-watering Thanksgiving menu & to have our home smelling of pumpkin, spices, and nutmeg! Im going to go all out so that I could recall all these
beautiful memories next year and hopefully feel absolute happiness at the memory of them <3

Breastfeeding: our journey thus far...

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to breastfeed my children.  Any time I saw women nursing her baby, a part of me longed for the day that I could nurse my own.  What was that feeling? I choose to believe that it was my body and mind making the decision to breastfeed long before my young body was ready or even capable of doing such a "womanly" task.  There was something about the way the child relaxed in its mother's lap while the mom carried on a conversation or how the child gazed so lovingly into its mothers eyes or how the mom would stroke the child's hair or whisper to him or her while she nursed - this always captivated me.  It was a unique bond that I longed to experience one day... whenever I became a mom.

During the years before my children, whenever the topic arose during conversations with other young women concerning whether or not I would nurse my children, I was always the one to say "Yes! of course I would nurse my babies!!!" Did someone tell me that I had to do this? Did someone threaten me to nurse my future children? NO! No one ever told me I had to or that I should want to.  Along the years, I came to the conclusion that it was a normal part of life and for as long as I had life, I wanted to embrace every natural and joyful experience that came my way.  Breastfeeding was one of those experiences.  I wanted MY child to have that bond with me and for me to provide that comfort and security to them.  My philosophy was and is that "its only one time in their life that they are babies... and as their mom, I want to do my very best to provide for them and care for them the best that I can."  Breastfeeding seemed like the first step following their birth for me to show care towards them..

With my firstborn, Adonai, I longed so much to exclusively nurse him, but after he was given formula for jaundice in the hospital, I lacked the confidence to nurse him exclusively without fear of him becoming dehydrated.  Instead of nursing him and being persistent in making sure he was latched on, I chose to express breast milk with a pump.  I pumped 4x's a day and supplemented with bottles of formula in the beginning.  No one told me how much nursing would hurt or how sore and tender my nipples would be from getting him to establish a proper latch.  All I felt was pain, pain & more PAIN. My breasts became engorged because he was being fed formula even though my body produced enough milk to sustain him. I lacked support, knowledge, and perseverance - and being a new mom, I just wanted to make sure he was fed - whether by me or with formula.  I went through a bout of mastitis and tackled it early with frequent pumping, warm compresses, and tylenol.  BUT still, I longed to nurse him... and shed tears when I stopped trying to nurse and stopped the tiring task of expressing milk when he was 6 months. This experience left me feeling extremely emotional at the thought of him being fed milk that did not come directly from me.  I knew that I had to get over this sense of failure and stop blaming myself for the situation I was in and instead become educated on how I could ensure success with my next child.

A little over 3 years later, Azalea, entered my world.  What a joy it was to see her little face and embark on the journey of attempting to exclusively breastfeed her. Every article, book, and piece of advice I was offered, was about to be put to the test! So many questions would race through my mind in those first few days after her birth.  Questions such as: Would I be able to breastfeed her? Would she be able to latch on correctly? How long will she nurse for? Should I pump after any feeds to have some stored away for her? Will I nurse her frequently enough? Is she getting enough milk? Why does my nipples hurt so much? - Dont they say "if it hurts, the latch is incorrect?" Should I allow her nurses to give her formula for her jaundice? What should I do??!?!

Finding answers to those questions were difficult because specific answers didn't exist.  Every child is different and the dynamics of each mother & child vary... so I had to wait.  I had to wait to see if she would wet her diapers, wait to see if she would gain weight, wait to see if her jaundice would go away with breastfeeding alone, wait to see if my nipples would one day heal... wait to see if I could get through the sleepless nights.  I had to wait.  I had to trust in my body and trust that it would do what God created it to do. I had to pray and cast all my fears and burdens on Jesus and trust that no matter what Azalea and I faced, we would figure it out because we had no other options!  I had to trust that I could read all the clues that were there to signal she was no longer hungry and that she was satisfied.  I had to tell my husband "yes, she is full" when he would ask "did she eat enough?" I had to trust that as long as she wasn't crying and had frequent wet diapers, that she was getting the right amount of milk for her body.  I had to trust.  Trusting is hard for a mom because so much is at risk. Your precious little baby's life is at risk... and you fear messing up and making a tragic mistake.  Many times, the fears are heightened due to the many emotions that comes with bringing new life into the world and wanting to protect it at all costs.  Trusting in God allowed me to relax and survey the situation, only to find comfort in the knowledge that He blessed me with this child and she was indeed a blessing from Him and that her life is ultimately always in His hands.  Her health, growth, well-being & LIFE is in HIS hands.  All I could do was try my very best and do as much as I could with what I already know and with what I learn along the way. This realization eased so much anxiety within me and allowed me to truly embrace the joys of breastfeeding.  Was I not strong enough to endure the painful, tender nipples, or the sleepless nights, or the constant demands of a baby needing its food that came solely from my body? OF COURSE I WAS!

...Then came the sensitivities to food: milk, soy, wheat, eggs... At 3 weeks old, my baby girl started showing signs of food sensitivities. What was the major red flag? It was green, mucousy & sometimes bloody stools.  I freaked out! First, I thought it was overactive let-down because I had all the signs of that: strong let-down sensation as well as Azalea gagging MANY times while she nursed due to the abundance of fast flowing milk + the green frothy looking poop.  Sorry for all the visual details! ;)But, after block nursing her,(nursing from one side for a 2 hour time span then switching...) I realized that didn't solve our problem so I started eliminating foods.First was milk......Then wheat...Then soy...Then all the other common food allergens!

If you've never had to eliminate these ingredients from your diet, you would never ever understand how little food options you have available to you. My only options were: low allergenic fruit & veggie choices as well as lots of rice, beans, & quinoa... with lamb, veal, and chicken. Shopping was a task and being that this diet was so restrictive, I had to shop at a speciality food store. It was expensive!  I had to read EVERY SINGLE LABEL and sometimes the products that I least suspected to have allergens, had them. For example, my prenatals...they were loaded with soy!

After 8 months on this diet, I reintroduced myself to a regular diet when I believed that Azalea was no longer highly sensitive to these foods.  I wish I could say that I was careful how I re-introduced these ingredients, but I was not! I was craving normal food so bad that I ate whatever and stalked the details of her poop as though it would provide clues as to what foods she could now tolerate.  For the first few weeks following my transition back to normal foods - her poop was a little suspicious, but nothing too alarming, so I placed my trust in God once again that she would be fine.  Just around this time, Azalea also started showing interest in solid foods. We started her on rice cereal and then on veggies and fruits... and she still nursed exclusively.  Many times, she would only taste a few spoonfuls of solid food before she would blow "raspberries" and insist that she was DONE.  The introduction of solid foods to her diet changed her stools for the better. No longer is it showing major signs of food sensitivities, but rather looking pretty normal. 

...She is now 10 months old today and nursing her has been quite eventful, to say the least.We have endured nursing following a c-section, battling aggressive jaundice, painful bleeding nipples, sleepless nights, food sensitivities... and many stares & comments about our nursing relationship... which leads  me to point out some insightful information concerning why I do not feel compelled to always have Azalea under a nursing cover when I nurse her.  

During these past 10 months, I have nursed just about every where - with a nursing cover AND without.  In the first few months, I nursed Azalea while covering her and my breasts with a blanket.  This was NOT easy because I was often too concerned about whether or not I was fully covered, and suffered a lot of pain in my lower back trying to support her little fluffy body after major abdominal surgery while also making sure our latch was perfect,... and that my breast were fully covered AND that she was not gagging. I eventually ditched the blanket because it caused me so much stress since I couldnt relax enough to nurse her because I was too concerned whether it covered me where I wanted it to cover.  I praised God when I stumbled upon a nursing cover that allowed me to be fully covered as well as see her while I nursed. I was so excited to use it because the stress of holding and positioning a blanket was a thing of the past! YAY!!! But after about 3 months of using that cover, she refused to be covered with it due to the summer heat and her ever-budding curiosity. Now, what was a mom to do? I made the choice to breastfeed her without any  coverups other than her hand, my hand, or my hair covering most of my exposed breast.  Oh and it was SO liberating!!! Did I want anyone to see my breast as I latched her on or as I transitioned her to a sitting up position as soon as she finished nursing? HECK NO! But did I think that it was a risk I was willing to take for mine and her comfort and relaxation prior to nursing? YES! I do not personally know of any mom who wants to expose her nursing breasts to men or women and if such a mom exists, my only question to her would be "why?" 

The choice to (or not to) breastfeed is a personal one and though many may have opinions concerning it, the nursing relationship thrives if others keep their opinions about it to themselves.  Whether or not a mother should breastfeed in a public place should not even be questioned. She is feeding her child for goodness sake! A nursing mother's breasts are not on display for intruding eyes to see, but rather to naturally feed a baby the way he or she was intended to be fed.  If someone is offended or taken aback by the sight of a nursing mother's breasts, move your gaze elsewhere & get over it. Her breasts were never on display for you, but rather to feed her hungry infant.  Breastfeeding should be embraced more... and the sight of a nursing mother's breast should be so common that one doesn't find it inappropriate in ANY surrounding: public places: shopping centers, court houses, churches, public trans... etc.! 

HAPPY 10 MONTHS, AZALEA! You may never understand how much you have taught me through the journey of nursing you these past 10 months, but I hope to keep learning from you as you grow and grow and grow & hopefully one day you will make the choice to nurse your baby as well. I love you, baby girl... and I cherish the moments I get to cuddle with you and snuggle you and give you sweet kisses on your forehead as you nurse beside me <3

A few snapshots of my loves!

...some smiles and expressions for the month of August!